Some More God Talk

For those of you who are increasingly worried about all the God Talk on here, you might want to ignore this post. I can't say as I blame you, but theology has been on my mind for a while.

I'm a skeptic. I'm agnostic at best about the existence of God, and when I really examine that belief from my objective mode, I'm an atheist. I can't get around my atheism as much as I want to, and I do want to, but belief eludes me.

I can go to church on Sunday and be quite comfortable in the pew. That's because I want to believe, and what I want to believe isn't necessarily LDS doctrine. In fact, I don't really want to believe any doctrine except to respect others as I want to be respected, to do no intentional harm, to correct unintentional harm that I may cause, and to listen and speak honestly with other people in the pew. I had really missed being in a faith community, and I'm happy to be back in one.

Some people have asked me why I'm back in the LDS church faith community. My feelings are very mixed on this score. I've tried other churches over the years, and none of them have felt as comfortable and uncomfortable as the LDS church. While I am not comfortable with their doctrines and some of their behaviors, it is a community that I know, and came to love over the years. My children and former wife are also part of it. I feel in some small way I am sharing an experience with them when I worship there.

On to theology. My yearning for belief is strong enough that I pray regularly. I don't have much faith in those prayers, but they do provide a sense of connection, being, and purpose. I find in my praying for other people that it strengthens my connection to them, their cares and concerns, and ultimately their humanity. My God isn't on Kolob, my God lives in the connections among human hearts, and that is a God in which I can believe. But not much doctrine rests there.