Monday, April 2, 2007

Dating Tips for Gay Guys

A friend came over last night for dinner. He had just come from a JO club (if you don't know, don't ask), so we were talking about sex and dating, and got around to his love life. He recounted the following tale.

It had been a while since he had carnally known a man, and he was ready for that kind of experience. This is where the Internet, and Craig's List are nifty resources, perhaps too nifty. So my friend puts up an ad, and quickly gets responses.

He said you quickly separate them into categories. First of all, there are the crazy insane guys. You don't want to date these guys. All of us have our own definition of insanity, but I, for example, probably wouldn't date guys who were into one of several specialized fetishes that featured objects larger than a fire hydrant.

In addition, you eliminate the poseurs. These are the guys who just get off on getting email from you, but aren't going to put out. They will not send you a picture. They will not get specific. They are a lot like dealing with Tehran or Pyongyang, if you accede to a demand, you can be sure that their next email will have an additional set of conditions. This is way too much work, and there will never be a payoff, trust me.

You can also eliminate any guy who doesn't post a picture, who cuts off his head (eeekkk!) in his picture, or who has noticeably altered his picture to substantially misrepresent his assets. This is called being AOLed.

My friend tossed out these categories, and winnowed through the (few) remaining. One guy, in particular, was interested in my friend. The guy was a nineteen year-old (at this point, alarm bells would go off in my head, but my penis would overrule them) who really wanted to hook up. He lived in the neighborhood, and hey, what the heck, nothing like young adult spunk, is there?

So my friend goes over to this guy's house (luckily he lived in the neighborhood, you wouldn't want to put yourself out too much for sex), they guy is cute, is nineteen, has accurately represented his assets. They rip off each other's clothes, jump into bed and have at it! For ten minutes. The young one erupts, and even before the spooge has cooled, is pulling on his pants, and pointing my friend to the door, saying, "We should do this again, sometime."

So here's another Gay Internet Dating Rule: help your buddy out! If you've already spray-painted his chest, have the human decency to give him a hand, too. It's not just about you. Good dating is a lot like being a Boy Scout (in fact, I've had a few "dates" with former Boy Scouts): Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent. You wouldn't want to apply all of these in equal measure, but for the most part, if you behaved like a Boy Scout on a date, it would be a very successful date!


Anonymous said...

and I guess the moral of that is "don't let the younguns come before you do!"

Happy said...

Or maybe, do unto others as you would have others do unto you....

Anonymous said...

Happy, you told my tale well! I have had a lot of good chuckles remembering that hookup.